Dear Nadine Dorries

My dearest Nadine,

First of let me say “bravo!” to you. You have piqued my interest in writing. As you may already be aware (from my brigade of tweets to you) I’m pretty damn open about myself. I’m liberal, I’m female, and I’m pretty damn good at getting my point across. However, since you seem to not understand what it’s like to be a woman, let me explain it to you using 2^nd grade terminology and images.

                        

            As you can see here, we have a standard uterus and it’s surrounding counterparts; counterparts being the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and vagina.

Since you’ve obviously never been pregnant or had a period for that matter, below I’ll list a bunch of symptoms and things that occur during menstruation with the dumbed down version in parenthesis for you...

-        

              Painful cramping in the abdomen, back, or upper thighs.

o   (like a boxing match but the rest of your organs are the punching bags)

-          Severe uterine pain (dysmenorrhea),

o   (MY INSIDES HURT SO MUCH THEY’RE GOING TO FALL OUT).

-           Premenstrual syndrome

o   (All those crazy fun things like crying for no reason, gooey stuff leaking
 out of your vajayjay, hot and cold flashes, boobies hurting swelling, craving
 foods,  gaining weight, lots and lots of zits blackheads and oily pimples, pooping
 a lot or not, being sleepy or being overly awake, headaches, feeling sad and   
 depressed, being horny, suicidal, or wanting to go on a murderous rampage)

-          Breast tenderness (Boobs are made of “ow”)

-          Irritability (leave me the **** alone, B****)

-          Bleeding (What feels like your peeing yourself any time you move.)

§  Clots (look like blobs of raspberry jelly, hurt like hell to pass.)

·         Rebecca’s words of wisdom on passing clots (on twitter @halfabear , @quarterofabear... and on irc (irc.dal.net #intransigence));

§  “ … So you have to relax as much as possible and just keep pulling that string of goo out into some paper or something  And eventually the pain gets worse.  So you have to relax more and keep tugging, and it can get a bit of resistance but you keep going, and then a massive clot of blood comes out, usually followed by a massive splatter of blood.”

§  Menorrhagia (I’m losing so much blood, oh my god my pants are a crime scene!

   

 So let me cut to the chase Dorries. I’m not expecting you to understand what it’s like to be female. I’m not expecting anything of any sorts from you, but keep your damn face out of what goes on between my legs. It’s my Uterus and my Vagina, and your face doesn’t belong in it. Kapiche? Now that that’s cleared up, can you bring me some chocolate and maybe a heating pad or two? 

Regards and Highballs from your Uterine-war waging American,

Stacy